


stardust is easily lost

by dduucckk



Series: dan?? writing angst?? it's more likely than you'd think [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, First War with Voldemort, M/M, just sadness, no happy ending yall sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-29
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:00:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27769426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dduucckk/pseuds/dduucckk
Summary: He kisses him because he loves him, because loving Sirius is a habit he’s never been able to break, not in school when he thought loving Sirius would kill him, and not now when he thinks that Sirius might kill them all. It keeps him up at night sometimes.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Series: dan?? writing angst?? it's more likely than you'd think [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2031460
Comments: 6
Kudos: 19





	stardust is easily lost

**Author's Note:**

> heyyyyy! so this series was originally posted on tumblr, but I decided to post it here as well bc I am very fond of it. there's a picture that goes with the original post that I'm too lazy to try and format on here, but you can find the post [here!](https://dduucckk.tumblr.com/post/633053411081846784/remus-is-twenty-one-years-old-and-hes-fighting-a) enjoy! 😈

Remus is twenty-one years old, and he’s fighting a war.

He barely sees his friends anymore, and when he does, each one looks more exhausted, more hopeless, than the last.

One day in June, while Remus is bouncing Harry on his knee and Sirius is sitting on the couch next to him, cooing at the baby, and they’re feeling almost happy for the first time in months, James tells them “we’re going into hiding.”

He asks Sirius to be the secret keeper, and Sirius agrees, but Remus doesn’t miss the shifty look in his eyes. He hands Harry back to James.

Later, he asks Sirius why he seemed nervous.

Sirius tells him it’s because it’s a frightening thing, to be responsible for his best friend’s safety. Remus doesn’t push the subject.

They spend the next two months dancing around that conversation, Remus wanting to bring it up and Sirius dodging his questions.

Then, Sirius disappears for an afternoon and comes back looking almost relieved. He smiles at Remus when he comes back, and Remus can’t help but wonder where he was, what he did. He kisses him anyway.

He kisses him because he loves him, because loving Sirius is a habit he’s never been able to break, not in school when he thought loving Sirius would kill him, and not now when he thinks that Sirius might kill them all. It keeps him up at night sometimes.

It’s late August when Remus is sent on his mission. He doesn’t know how long it will last. He can’t tell Sirius about it, isn’t allowed, just tells him that he’s leaving and he’ll try to send him an owl before he comes back.

Sirius looks at him like he doesn’t believe him, and Remus can’t find it in himself to care, but at the same time he cares so much it hurts.

“I love you,” he says. He touches Sirius’s cheek, and Sirius leans into it. His eyes are shining with tears. Remus knows that his match.

“I love you too,” Sirius whispers, and Remus hugs him with all the strength in his body. He worries that if he lets go, he’ll never hug Sirius again.

Sirius’s arms are so tight around Remus that he can hardly breathe. He doesn’t mind. It hurts a bit, but it reminds him that he’s real, that they’re both real, and that their love is real and good and worth fighting for.

Sirius moves back, but his hands still rest on Remus’s waist as he stares at him, drinking him in.

“Stay here for a moment.”

Remus nods. Sirius gives him a small smile, then goes into the bedroom. He comes out a moment later holding his camera.  
Remus raises an eyebrow.

“Please, Moony? I want––I _need_ this. I need to remember you if––” He doesn’t finish the sentence, but Remus knows. _If you don’t come back_. It’s all everyone’s thinking about. If someone doesn’t come back, if they’ll have another funeral, if they’ll be left with nothing but memories of yet another classmate. Remus nods.

“Yeah, Pads, go ahead.”

Remus can’t manage a smile. All he can think about is how Dorcas keeps a picture of Marlene tucked in her pocket, proof that she did exist once, that there was a time before the war, before all of this hurt and grief. Remus wonders what Sirius will do if he doesn’t come back. He wonders what he’ll do if one day Sirius doesn’t come back.

The camera shutter clicks, and Sirius smiles at him. It’s a small, sad smile, and it’s the one Remus is used to now. It hurts to remember that there was a time when he had never seen that smile. He wishes he had never become so familiar with it.

Sirius kisses him before he leaves, pulls their bodies close, holds Remus tightly.

“Come back to me,” he whispers.

“I will,” Remus promises. “I will.”

It’s the last time he sees Sirius.

It’s November when he gets back, and Dumbledore tells him what happened. It’s a dark, cold, wet day when he bursts into the flat, unable to believe it, but Sirius isn’t there, and the picture of Remus is on the kitchen table, and on the back Sirius has written _Moony, my love_ , and Remus starts sobbing, and he’s curled up on the floor as his body shakes and the rain pounding against the windows matches the tears pouring down his face, and all he can think is that they’re gone, they’re _gone_ , James and Lily are _dead_ and it’s Sirius’s fault.

It turns out that love is an easy habit to break when it turns into hate.

**Author's Note:**

> drop in and shout at me on [tumblr!](https://dduucckk.tumblr.com) :)


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